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| "I wonder if any of them can tell from just looking at me that all I am is the sum total of my pain, a raw woundedness so extreme that it might be terminal. It might be terminal velocity, the speed of the sound of a girl falling down to a place from where she can't be retrieved. What if I am stuck down here for good?"
— Elizabeth Wurtzel things are fairly good. i have no friends but i have my boyfriend who i love very much. i want to try to make new friends but it's not easy.
i was going to make a new account to talk about some things i don't want an ex-friend of mine on xanga to read but i'm not going to change my life for her. i love this username and i'm not changing it. she can read my entries, doesn't mean anything will change between us.
so basically i said some horrible things about one of my good friends, c, to someone i thought was my friend, e. i was angry at the time and didn't mean anything i said. e decided to send c the conversation. c called me calling and boom that friendship is over. i miss them both but i know i should try to apologize to c and get our friendship back but i guess i'm too scared. i'm scared about being yelled at and not forgiven. and because of who i am i probably won't do anything because i'm too afraid of failure to even try.
anyways, moving on. i don't know if you remember but in my last entry i wrote about having a fractured patella in my knee. i was in a leg brace for two months. i got out of it at the beginning of july and i've been going to physical therapy since then. i can finally go back to spinning, my love. i actually lost like 6 pounds because i never had any appetite and the muscle in my right leg atrophed because it was in the brace for so long. i'll probably gain it back quickly. i'm just so happy to be back at the gym! i'm a gym rat, i love it. i go because it's so much fun. burning calories is just an added benefit to me.
i miss everyone on here! i won't be talking about what i'm eating and stuff unless i randomly decide to go on a diet. it could happen. i'll just be talking about whatever's on my mind. getting it out helps.
leave me comments, i'll respond! love you girls!
my boyfriend made me that, haha.
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| hey girls.
guess what stupid thing i did? yesterday while grocery shopping i slipped on wet floor and fell and hit my knee hard on the floor. i'm not even sure what happened because it freaked me out so much. ever since i basically haven't been able to walk because it hurts so bad. i'm seriously nervous because i'm addicted to spinning and the gym and just thinking about not being able to go for awhile makes me so upset. but i know i can't go if it feels like this. i probably have to go to the doctors today to get some xrays. just how i wanted my sunday to go. ugh! i hate stupid grocery stores. food is bad obviously! i didn't get like any sleep because i'm in so much pain. =[
yeah and i have 3 finals coming up. monday, tuesday and wednesday. and my parents might have to drive me and i may have to get crutches. ugh!
edit~
went to the doctor. i fractured my patella and i may have to get surgery. but it hurts like a bitch. they gave me pain meds but i can't take them because i have to study for my upcoming 3 finals. yay school! and i also have to get to the doctor and possibly get an MRI in the next few days. fun.
skinny, skinny nicole. | | |
| "You wake up one morning and there it is, sitting in an old plaid bathrobe in your kitchen, unpleasant and unshaved. You look at it, heart sinking. Madness is a rotten guest."
— Marya Hornbacher
things are pretty good.
me and brian are still together, thank god. today was definitely bad. brian's grandmother got the internet turned off so we were talking on his ipod touch. and we almost broke up because he didn't think he could deal with not being able to ever see him. but he was really upset today so i talked him through it. thank god we got through that. i cannot lose him. he is my everything. i know it's bad to make him my everything. because what if i lose him? then what do i have? nothing. but i know we're going to make it. we're going to be together until we die. and if i have to be the strong one sometimes i'll do it. i'll do anything to keep him in my life. i've never met someone as amazing as him before. we're really so perfect for each other. we always say the exact same thing at the same time since we're so in sync with each other. and no one understands us but us. it would also be so hard to lose him because none of my family even knows about him. how could i grieve the loss of us when everyone would be wondering why i was crying? thank god i didn't lose him.
i had to get all that off my chest. how is everyone? i'll probably be coming on here more since he doesn't have internet. ): classes start monday, not looking forward to that but whatever. and it'll be even harder not having brian to get me through leaving home and going back to my apartment. so i'd appreciate all the support from you girls you can give. i know i haven't been here and i'm sorry. i'll return the support, i swear. i miss all my xanga friends so much.
love you girls!
me | | |
| she's a gambler
spinning wheels
the poisoned victim
the look of steel
the coldest hearts you've ever felt
the coldest hands you've ever held
things are really, really great. they couldn't be better. my boyfriend is amazing and i am so in love. he is perfect. i know all i do is talk about him but i just can't help it. my life consists of talking to him, schoolwork and going to the gym. friends? yeah they're there when i want to see them but really i don't need to ever see them.
i just wish i could tell my parents about brian. since we only know each other online at the moment i can't. they would never understand. but i'm going to tell them the second we meet in person.
no one really understands me and brian, how we can love each other so much when we've only met online. we're going to get married one day and i couldn't be more happy about that. i don't care if people don't understand, they can go fuck themselves. haha, i'm real nice.
eating's good. sometimes i want to go back to my old self, the one who only cared about getting thinner. i miss everyone and how we all used to be united in our weight loss. it connected us. but i can't go back. i have to be strong. brian likes me the way i am. i would never do anything unhealthy because i know that would upset him. i'm so glad i have him. =]
want to see a picture of my boyfriend? he's so gorgeous.
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